I can’t be bothered to write anything about bird ‘flu (or to read any more about it, come to that) or, to give it its full Fleet Street name, “the deadly H5N1 virus”. As Babyfather commented last night, maybe if it had been given a cuddlier name it wouldn’t be such a virulent virus. We saw a picture of it on the news last night too, and it looks a bit like something out of Ricky Gervais’ Flannimals, which could explain its antisocial behaviour. Anyway, I am so bored of bird ‘flu that I am boring myself with these observations, and will give you an insight into the way I usually get inspiration for this blog.
In general, a piece of news will catch my eye and I will muse over it on the way to work/whilst lying awake at night wondering how I am going to turn over without my massive bump making me fall out of bed/whilst slipping into a trance like state in front of Deal or No Deal. I will then slowly form an opinion, edit out my more knee-jerk reactions, try and pretty-up any particularly thunderous or rabid responses it solicits in me, and engage myself in a somewhat masturbatory game of putting this opinion into phrases which I like to believe are beautifully turned, but still this side of pretentious.
My lunch hour at work will then unravel into a glorious afternoon of checking my computer rear view mirror for suspicious superiors or uppity juniors, who may find fault with my translating these thought processes into what you see before you, during work time.
Obviously this process changes from post to post, as some of them are just vacant ramblings and not news-based at all. But usually something will grab my attention enough to enter me into the process, and hold it enough for me to actually get me out of the process the other end. Call this an apology for laziness, if you will, but recently nothing has inspired me to write anything. I had a half-written piece on the Oscars, a few thoughts about writing something on the Estonian jam mountain (should that be lake?), and just today a half-arsed attempt at a post filled with wit and levity about the fact that Judas Iscariot has finally been given his right to reply in the press. But I got bored halfway through when I read about the caution with which the academic community is greeting the revelation. Apparently the text is from the second century and is therefore a second-hand gnostic interpretation of what happened. And it has something to do with The Da Vinci Code. I was almost comatose by the time I got to that bit – obviously inserted by the journalist in an attempt to make what was an interesting story which had become dull dull dull a bit more topical.
There is one piece of news out today that I love though, and that my imagination hasn’t stopped mulling over; and that is the delightful snippet which I saw on the beeb last night, and which is seemingly covered nowhere but on their website, detailing the fact that a policeman who put a youth in a bin in a Hackney park was cleared of charges. What’s not to like about this story? It was in Hackney, and although it doesn’t mention what park it was, if it was anything like the Hackney green spaces I know, the youth was almost certainly feral. The policeman got off, the father admitted that if the kid was being ‘lippy’ he should have been arrested, and the friend who filmed the whole thing on his mobile phone could be heard laughing throughout the video clip. At a time when Damilola Taylor’s parents are going to have to sit through another entire trial before having the chance of seeing their son’s killers brought to book, it is refreshing to see that a little kid who deserved a stern telling off by a responsible adult, can be given one without the world tearing its hair out.
Crikey. I sometimes scare myself with my reactionary sounding rhetoric. I can almost hear the words political correctness gone mad. Let me know your views – am I a closet Daily Express reader? I hope that actually, on reflection, the reason I enjoyed this story is because of the fact that the incident was caught on camera, and my reaction is good old fashioned laughing at another’s pain.
As the birth nears and a new generation begins you are begining the metamorphosis into your parents.
Hmmmm .. feral as the kid may have been, the problem I see is that if it is anywhere near any of the Hackney open spaces that I know of, there would almost certainly have been used needles in the bin that the policeman dumped the kid into.
Pregnancy and masturbation in the same paragraph? This is smuttier than a sack full of German porn! Oh yeah, and say ‘crikey’ more often! It’s very urm, Jolly fuckin’ Hockey sticks… and I love it!
In response to your eloquent thoughts on ‘blog production’, when replying I just talk bollox for a few minutes and have done with it! Sometimes I don’t even reply; rather just say something purely manifest of self-amusement.
Anyway, Bird Flu does nothing for me at all, although I do believe ‘The Dead Swan’ is a good name for a pub! As for the Old Bill sticking feral kids in trash cans… I can dig it! Only I much prefer the story of the of duty cop who punched a kid full in the face coz he threatened to throw his baby off the train… now that was funny!
T.
I would agree with your assessment, Opinion. But as my parents are Third-World documentary film makers with anarcho-political tendencies, who brought me up to read Private Eye and The Guardian (in the days when it knew what left-wing meant), I really don’t think my swing to the right can be equated to morphing into them.
Hey man! I bet you say fiddle-sticks as well? Go on, say fiddle-sticks!!!
T.
Speaking of quirky little sayings, I used to hang with this middle class cat who’s mother loved to say ‘Gordon Bennet’. I never actually thought to ask her, ‘who the fuck is Gordon Bennet?’ Well, there wasn’t much point coz she probably wouldn’t have told me. Y’know, on account of the fact that she hated me, thought I was a bad influence on her precious son… dunno why, coz he was a twat already!
Anyway, I always found it strangely attractive, much better than some old boiler on a council estate saying ‘cor-blimey’, but not as good as when Nicko McBrain said to Steve Harris ‘fuck my old boots, now I’m the cunt all of a sudden’. Pure class!
Up the Hammers
T.
are you still working. what about the maternity leave?
this side of pretentious ……..hmmmmmmm. good name for a rcok band or the title of a prog rock album – nice phrase – reminded me of east of eden, dark side of the moon – that kind of thing.
have you thought of baby names yet….charlie????
Call the kid Hitler, coz it would be endlessly worth it just to see the looks on peoples faces!
I would!
T.
Thanks T. I have in front of me a fabulous ‘Classic 1000 Baby Names’ book. Having been through early options – I favoured Genghis the Bold, and Babyfather liked World of Leather – we are pretty sure what we’re going to go for. Will update as and when, obviously, but more suggestions are welcome, even though I can’t guarantee they’ll be taken seriously.
Can we start a sweepstake? I’d like to see the name Malcolm make a comeback.
Tony why have you become Anonymous all of a sudden? are you rebranding yourself?
I dunno mate, I bought a new desktop and reformatted the laptop and changed my provider… I guess that is why. Maybe if I give a name and e-mail again I will become Tony again? Yeah, I’ll do that!
Tony kinda humanises me a little, whereas Anonymous come across as a bit ‘stalker’… a bit ‘internet porn related OCD’. Yeah, come to think of it, Tony is much better… although in the PC world I should hope we all desire, this would not be the case!
T.
Good call Tone.I’d like to see passport photos next to our names..and maybe a small personality profile…can you sort that out Reccy? It will make it all a bit more friendly.How is it all going in HQ?..it must be getting pretty close now.
I am not proficient enough on this wordpress thing to get that done, but I can ask Mukiwa if he knows how to. It might all be a bit cutesy, though, don’t you think? I’ve never been a big fan of avatars – especially as they are so open to people putting up ‘cool’ nostalgic pics like Wonderwoman or Willo the Wisp. In the meantime – re: you wanting to make it all a bit more friendly – maybe you two should just get a room, Tony and The Big O? HQ is fine, and settling into an uneasy waiting routine…
I’m only letting you get away with those homo remarks coz you’re pregnant… that is the only reason!
Anyway, I can’t claim to have any pictures of Willow the Wisp on my website, or Wonder Woman for that matter. Yet now you come to mention it, I do have a picture of Barbara Eden, AKA JR’s Genie. Only I’m not being nostalgic, it just happens to give me a hard-on!
I also have a picture of Senna falling off the Tamberallo! That doesn’t give me a hard-on but remains significant. I also have a picture of Eric the Poet in full motion… that sort of gives me a non-sexual hard-on, if there is indeed such a thing. Obviously there are also lots of pictures of me being cool etc…
Well, I wouldn’t put up crap ones now would I!
T.
did you see the piece in the standard the other night – (TV reviews – ghostboat etc – what WAS that about) that remarked that Simon Weston was getting together with some old mates that saw action in the Falklands – moreinfo at www. friends reignited.com
Laugh???- I nearly burst into flames – and whatabout the bloke in hospital that lit up a ciggie and spontaneously combusted………. much more intereting than babies and sausages in opticians
Wow, I hope I never reach a stage where taking the piss out of severely injured war veterans is something I feel the need to do. Wow, that’s pretty bleak dude… and I have a sense of humour!
Hmmm, ain’t you interesting!!!
T.