Archive for the ‘General’ Category

Wolf Creek

Saturday, September 17th, 2005

Grumpy is jetting off on Monday, to treat Petulant to a birthday treat in Istanbul, and we managed to get some time to ourselves last night for the first time in a long while. Kicking off with a spot of shopping (I missed the second part of the weather report which said that it was going to be sunny and cold, and had to buy an autumn jacket – a very nice beige suede waist-length number; Grumpy had to further spoil Petulant with presents), we then went on to Bodeans to indulge my occassional and irrepressible desire for ribs, and thence to Leicester Square, for a good old multiplex experience.

It has been a while since I saw a film which made me scared. The last time I remember experiencing that utter paralysis at something I had just viewed was when (nolonger)Drunk and I were still a couple, a year and a half ago, and we watched ‘The 100 scariest movie moments of all time’, and sometime before we even reached the number one spot ‘Here’s Johnny!’, I was begging him to accompany me to the toilet as I could not envisage going half way up the stairs by myself… The original version of ‘The Ring’? Good, classy, brooding. Didn’t make me catch my breath. Recently ‘The Grudge’, the Americanised version, gave me a couple of sleepless moments. The last film I saw which really caught my imagination in this way was ‘Jeepers Creepers’, and that must have been four or five years ago now. And the second half of the film was so laughable that by the time you left the cinema the atmosphere built up so expertly in the initial driving scenes is completely dissipated.

So I was looking forward to ‘Wolf Creek’, hoping that finally something would disturb my imagination and invade my dreams at night. And, to make short work of my response, it did not disappoint. At the end of it (despite a few moments of genuine flinching), Grumpy affected an insouciance and proclaimed that he liked his horrors more psychological, and by that I took him to mean more stylised, brooding, intense. In the way that all Hollywood thrillers have become. I couldn’t disagree more. To me, Wolf Creek is a movie which puts the viewer in the picture, allows us to imagine we could be there and that could be happening to us. And the where and the what are painted so expertly that we really don’t want to be thinking like that.

It follows three young backpackers – two English girls and an Australian boy – on their road trip to see a crater formed by a meteorite hitting the earth. The opening scenes of the film are lengthy and naturalistic – we get a feel for the every day nature of what’s happening, and the observations, down to the girls both clearly wanting to take a crack at the boy, Ben, but affecting not to care, are painted in a straightforward way. Everything is there for the viewer to observe; nothing – unlike the American equivalents, and like the vast outback which they are travelling – is signposted. When they climb down from the crater, they observe that the two watches which they carry between them both stopped at the same time. When they get in their car, it fails to start. These are the only two supernatural elements to the film (apart from Ben’s obsession with talking about UFO sightings), another marked difference from so many of those Hollywood blockbusters, and again, something which makes us able to suspend our disbelief to the extent that we can envisage ourselves in the scenes to follow.

I won’t say what these are. If you have read any of the reviews, you will know that the group encounter their very own version of ‘Crocodile Dundee’ who offers to fix their car, takes them from this isolated place further and further into the outback, in a journey that takes hours and sees our travellers getting increasingly restless and concerned. You will know that he turns out to be not so much a Paul Hogan character as an amalgam of outback serial killers, most notably Ivan Milat, whose remarkable history I have been reading about today.

I recommended to Bloke and Blonde that they go and watch this film. I wouldn’t tell them what happened next either. But I would recommend that you don’t do as Grumpy and I did, and go for ribs first.

It’s been a long time coming home

Friday, September 16th, 2005

Recidivist spent this Monday in the company of Brother, Sister-in-Law and (nolonger)Drunk at the Oval. After a summer of following the spectacular series, even spending much of my time during the Leeds festival huddled round a small radio with Grumpy outside our tent, it was with immense joy and trepidation that I travelled to the ground on Monday morning, laughing as the tube pulled in at Oval station and the driver announced ‘change here for the ashes’.

The morning passed in a tormented blur. Hardly a word was exchanged between the four of us, as the three of us able to imbibe did so and took in the mini collapse which preceded Pieterson’s innings.

The afternoon saw the dispersal of all the tension and a slow hope that we were going to make it. By tea time Brother was wondering why we didn’t declare and try and bowl the Aussies out, and shortly after, when rain stopped play, we knew that we were witnessing a bit of cricket history.

But it’s the antics since which have amused me enough to move me to write this. The lovely news of the joyous partying of the players has been widely reported on the front as well as the back pages of tabloid and broadsheet alike. I heard this morning on the radio that for Pieterson, the two day celebration is so much of a blur that “I don’t remember anything about going to No 10. I don’t even remember shaking the hand of the prime minister. ”

Back in his home of South Africa, I have been told by members of the family who live there, the billboards are proudly proclaiming ‘South African wins the ashes.’

The Paula Yates joke doing the rounds is perhaps inevitable, but most of the celebrations have been good natured and have shown that we can be gracious as a nation. Even on the day, Warne was the player who got the largest cheer from the crowd, no doubt delighted to have had the opportunity to see such a phenomenal sportsman playing, and the Australians in the crowd took no abuse whatsoever.

My favourite display of subtle gloating, though, is the fact that the Royal Mail is creating an Ashes commemorative stamp design – which will adorn the first class stamp as well as the 68p one required to post a letter to Australia.

Wordploys

Sunday, September 11th, 2005

Received this email this week. Lovely idea, and some lovely answers:

The Washington Post’s Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year’s winners:

• Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time. • Ignoranus: A person who’s both stupid and an a-hole. • Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realise it was your money to start with. • Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly. • Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future. • Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid. • Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high. • Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it. • Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late. • Hipatitis: Terminal coolness. • Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.) • Karmageddon: It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer. • Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you. • Glibido: All talk and no action. • Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. • Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web. • Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out. • Caterpallor (n.): The colour you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you’re eating.

Crying, while eating

Thursday, September 8th, 2005

The internet has, since its inception, harboured enough dark corners for every weird little idea to hide itself. And amongst all the banal and useless nonsense out there there are still some genuinely bizarre manifestations of individual oddities. Most recently there are many sites which are based on user contributions – photos, video clips or comments along a stipulated theme. These all too often get taken over by people whose contributions are less than good, who can’t spell or write English with any nod to grammar, whose sense of humour can, at best, be described as ‘lowest common denominator’. The site which has the excellent idea of putting things on your cat and then taking pictures of them has been hijacked by people the calibre of whom can be deducted from the following comment on this picture: “LOL!!!!! Oh man, that’s funny! At first I thought that the head and paws were on the box, but then I realised there was a cat in there! This is an awesome pic! : )”

However, there is one site I found recently which truly satisfied my most sordid internet requirements. Crying, while eating not only raises the obvious issue of our oh-so-unhealthy modern relationship with food, it also contains some genuinely uncomfortable clips. It has the odd silly piece depicting people who look like their crying wouldn’t be convincing if someone poked their eye in the school playground, but mainly, even when it is obvious they are acting, the clips are genuinely entertaining. The accompanying explanation of why they are crying really makes the site. Visit if you feel like feeling dirty.

I predict a riot

Tuesday, August 30th, 2005

As thousands of exhausted, drunk, and slightly whiffy people slowly walked away from the finale of the weekend, to the exit gates, and past the After Shock tent’s afterparty, where the Kaiser Chief’s song was keeping people dancing, the chorus was taken up. Mindful of the violence that had marred a previous Carling Leeds festival, I hoped that this was not to prove prescient.

As Grumpy and I sat at our tent, swigging some whisky and discussing highlights of the weekend, I was also deciding what to write on my blog. A definitive list of what you need at a festival. A guide to festival etiquette. A small gripe at the fact that teenaged boys used the fence alongside our tents as a toilet, with the inevitable splashback causing Grumpy and myself some consternation.

Back in London now, I read today in the press that festival organisers have mentioned ’some violence’ at the festival, with a small number of arrests. This is an account of what I observed on Sunday night, from our hilltop tent with a view of three of the camp sites.

There was less noise than on the previous three nights. Fewer parties, no one starting a verbal Mexican wave of the word ‘bollocks’ through the many campsites, no gangs of youth stumbling over guy ropes ordering people out of their tents on a random whim. Grumpy, not surprisingly, enjoyed Pixies the most, and professed a desire to marry Kim Deal. I was most surprised by The Foo Fighters – I had expected them to be good, but I had not expected to be jumping up and down to their music for an hour and a half at the end of a long weekend during which discomfort due to my recent back problems had dominated. Even the two thrown pints of beer which managed to find me as their target during the Monkey Wrench encore didn’t knock the stoicism with which I had greeted the rest of the weekends’ missiles – a full can of beer on the head during The Killers, a trainer on my shoulder during Pixies, and various liquid showers, although these final two did give me a few seconds of anger and upset and caused me to turn round to glare ferociously at the very drunk man behind me, whose response was ‘I don’t think I did that, but I am sorry if I did’.

Back to Grumpy and I on the hill. While we were passing the bottle back and forth, a loud bang made us start, and I saw a column of flame lick up into the sky. This was followed by a loud cheer which was echoed around the sites. Within minutes, there were at least twenty fires within our vista, each of them occasionally flaring up as people evidently threw deodorants, lighters, or, in the case of the larger bangs and higher flames, gas canisters on them. Directly in front of us, in a line of trees which stretched back on the opposite hill, a fire was kept going for the duration. To the right, in the ‘red’ campsite, a tree was set alight.

Right in front of us was a line of tents which housed a group of teenagers, mainly boys. They had caused much world-weary exclamations from Grumpy and I all weekend by their insistence on pissing on the fence in front of which we had pitched our two tents. One of them had done so just a couple of metres away from us on the Saturday as we ate lunch. On the Friday night, more worryingly, I had emerged in the middle of the night to walk the half a mile or so to the nearest toilet, to find someone lurking. He moved on to the next tent when he saw me, and proceeded to crouch down.

I was concerned that these youths would see the shenanigans opposite and decide to emulate it, and sure enough, within half an hour, they carried a suitcase from their encampment 20 metres down the hill to where someone had a fire going, and put it on. The suitcase had been a centrepiece of their rubbish all weekend – mainly discarded cans, but also the odd bit of rotting meat, unread newspapers and the like. The suitcase burnt for a short while before a loud explosion and corresponding burst of flame confirmed my suspicion that they had concealed within it some alcohol or deodorant. One of those standing round the fire had a hoodie on, which caught alight. The fire was quickly doused, and I was confident that they would not continue messing around after their scare.

The two of us decided to go to bed, and had a couple of hours of sleep – I was remarkably able to sleep through the bangs, until an explosion ten times louder than anything I had heard so far woke me. As I lay there, I became aware that there was a chanting, shouting crowd not far away. I left the tent to see what was happening, and there, some 150 metres from our tent at the bottom of the hill, saw a mob moving backwards and forwards, nearby catering vans on fire, lampposts pulled down.

I didn’t sleep much the rest of the night – falling in and out of a fitful sleep. As I became aware of it becoming light, the noise was still continuing. I got up at 7am to go to the toilet, and spoke to a security guard on the way. He confirmed that the crowd has pulled a lamp post down and used it as a battering ram to gain entry to the Carling beer tent, and a cider tent just next to it. The cider tent was being manned by three girls who were trapped in there until a team of security guards managed to get them out. The mob had stolen beer and cider. Apparently most of them were young teenagers, boys and girls. 90 had been arrested, although it had taken all night to quieten down due to the potential danger of the fires. On the nearby remains of the main fire I saw metal cider barrels – the explosion of one of which had undoubtedly caused the loudest explosion the night before.

I walked over the where the cider tent had been. The woman who had served me the previous afternoon, and had kindly recommended I try the dry cider before buying a pint, was standing, a steady flow of tears running down her face. I said that I was sorry about what had happened, that I had heard they had been attacked. She looked at me and pointed: ‘that’s what is left of us’, she said, indicating three sides of what used to be the back of her tent. It was now three poles, bent out of shape, with a piece of white canvas the size of a flag flapping from one of the sides. She turned to her colleagues and explained that she had been up the hill where security were searching people believed to have been involved, and that a young group of them had been complaining, asking “what about our rights?”. Security had apparently responded that they hadn’t had any concern for the rights of the vendors the night before. At this, she became distraught, and I left the three women to comfort each other. Nearby a van had its windows shattered. Everywhere were signs of destruction.

As I made it back up the hill to start packing one of our tents away, leaving Grumpy sleeping, the youths in front of me were getting ready to leave. As I pulled out my tent poles, folded away my ground sheets, pulled up my tent pegs, they picked up a few beers, took a last nonchalant piss against the fence right next to me, and left – their five tents intact and standing, clearly not worth the effort of packing them up again.

Half an hour later, as I had packed everything but the tent in which and the airbed on which Grumpy was still sleeping, there was a loud retort of something hitting the fence behind us. The fence was about twelve foot tall and made of sheet metal. I looked around the tent, to see a group of slightly older lads, maybe in their early twenties, playing out their version of packing up. This involved taking bits of camping equipment and assorted miscellanea and throwing it at or over the fence. So went a handful of tent pegs, a camping pot, someone’s trainer, and in what was evidently some sort of finale, a cd player, which on showing a remarkable tenacity in its unbreaking nature, was hurled again and again until its entrails were finally exposed and mangled. Nearby one of the two girls in this group stood, eating cold spaghetti hoops out of a can, and laughing, as they pulled the canvas of one of the tents to pieces and threw it so it lay draped over the fence.

The last person we talked to was an avid festival goer of around my age, who came to pack up one of the tents left in front of us, abandoned with such contempt for possessions and the environment. He had had his tent stolen this year at T in the Park, (while he was sitting outside it: he was, apparently, battered at the time) and was delighted to be able to loot such a good tent, and conscience-free into the bargain. Grumpy found a new pair of Wellingtons which we appropriated, I trawled the debris to find a tent pole the same length as one of mine which had broken.

We left fairly shortly after that – wondering across the fields which were strewn with rubbish and with tents either abandoned or mauled or burnt, and pocked with the residual charcoal of numerous fires. I couldn’t help wondering just what these children thought they were railing against. As I had watched on Sunday night the clashes with the riot police, I thought of the people in Zimbabwe who clash with police defending their rights and their lives, and wondered how well these disaffected youth would cope with the reality of a situation like that. I thought of the waste of property destroyed – of the parents who had paid (a substantial amount of money) for their children to go to the festival, only to have it treated with such contempt. Of the fact that doubtless the fields will be cleared up by bulldozer, and the debris shunted off to a landfill to spend hundreds of years decaying.

Before Sunday night I was all set to write a light hearted piece detailing how a perfect festival kit included not just wet wipes for every part of the anatomy and Wellington boots, but a trolley to wheel your possessions from car park to campsite, and, if possible, a butler to do the wheeling and some sort of self erecting tent and mobile toilet. I was going to bemoan tall people who mosh with their elbows sticking out thus catching shorter people on the head on their way down, and people who try and get up front to see their favourite band, at the beginning of the preceding act, and then stand around indifferently while people ten years older try and dance to Queens of the Stone Age in a sea of ennui. But my niggles are gone now, leaving this curmudgeon in full rant mode.

The press, as I mentioned, seem to be playing this down. Mean Fiddler have obviously PR’ed it very quickly – they would undoubtedly lose their license if a repeat of the riots of two years ago were found out to have happened. But so they should. If it continues, the festival will have, I fear, a tradition of mindless violence, and every act of selfish indifference that I witnessed this weekend, from having a dump outside someone else’s tent, through throwing a can of beer into a crowd of thousands, to deliberately destroying property and inflicting violence on people, is proof of that.